Sunday, May 29, 2011
No Queen for a Day Story Here?
So I’m sitting here listening to some emotional, soulful rock song that invokes an emotion in me. I remember very clearly a few years back feeling that somewhere along the road of my life, I took a sharp turn, and my life hadn’t worked out the way it was supposed to. It was not how I imagined.
It’s funny because I don’t feel like that anymore. I remember when I got pregnant with my son, my whole life, my whole perception of that life, changed. I felt like I had lost myself and then found something beyond myself. So it’s funny to me when people seem to… feel sorry for me. Ha! I do not mean to feel ungrateful towards friends who have genuine sympathy for my “hardships,” it’s sweet. I’m not offended and I appreciate any warm hearted thoughts. But there is this perception that somehow my life is harder than it is rewarding and fun and happy, and it’s false.
I remember when Wylie was first diagnosed with autism, I immediately was ready to come up with an action plan. I started reading all I could about prognosis and I… really got nowhere. Nobody knew exactly for sure how it would go. Then I started exploring treatment ideas and I kept coming back to 35-40 hours of ABA based therapy. 40 freaking hours. I work full time. I’m in college. Taking on another full time job (ABA is for the most part INSANELY expensive and most people implement some sort of home program) seemed impossible. I crumbled. I crumbled because it seemed there was no way. For unselfish reasons, I worried about letting my beautiful baby boy down. For selfish-er reasons, I thought this was going to ruin my life. It’d be a cruel and harsh life- more work than I had signed up for.
I ended up being wrong about both concerns. Not that Wylie exists as some sort of validation of my own life, but it is extremely satisfying to put on a brave face and face adversity. I embrace it. I got used to the routine and stopped feeling pangs of jealousy when people talked about… sleeping in. Haha. Still sounds like a wonderful thing, but if the hardest thing about my days is that I’m extremely busy taking care of my child, these are pretty good days, I’d have to say, and I’ll embrace them. My son is young and happy and healthy. I know not everybody is this fortunate and their children are suffering, and I will not take our good fortune for granted. My life is not ruined, and I have the strength to be as good a mother as I need to be. It's not always easy and it's not always fun, but it is always worth it. Don't worry about us too much. Be concerned and have love in your hearts, please, but we are pretty happy go lucky people.
(Shrug). Just for the Record. : - )