Sensitive

I'm a little surprised with myself.

I'm all bent out of shape over the ignorant comments of some high school student. She is completely ignorant. She is completely wrong. She's really of, like, little value to me and it was really not necessary to educate her because she kinda means nothing to me (we're not friends or peers, I mean, I have no intention of nurturing our accidental relationship), but maybe because I've been all gung ho about defending "autism awareness month" I felt it noble to live up to my promise to try to educate people.

She actually sounded like she was looking for an answer. I listened to her prattle on about some kid from her school, who she "knew" "must have been" "mentally retarded." But, but, she was puzzled! He talked in a high pitch voice, made strange, repetitive movements, had an awkward gait, but his vocabulary was advanced. He seemed to have uneven skills. How strange this obviously mentally retarded person was!

...That isn't even what bothered me. It was her complete rejection of my response, which was rather polite, if I do say so myself. When I suggested her assumption about other individuals' mental capabilities may be off base, she rolled her eyes and got sarcastic, and then explained to me how very smart she was.

...Wow. Writing this out was very theraputic. I feel better now. Haha. I mean writing it out, I realize it's her problem, and not mine.

I think I'm officially over Autism Awareness for a while, anyway. I have no heart for it anymore.

Wylie was cute and clingy with me tonight. I kind of brushed him off to finish a school assignment, and told daddy to hang onto him (we were all in the same room together.) His whining and frustration with his father was irresistible, however, and I let him climb up on my lap while I struggled to reach the keyboard.

Negative Nancy's annoyed by Bissfully Ignorant People

I'm really irritated by ignorance right now.

It's not even personal ignorance, it's like anonymous ignorance, the ignorance of strangers, dumb things people say online, etc.

Usually I am not irritated by such things.

I mostly encourage the moms in my support group to have compassion for the people who make rude, but for the most part, innocent comments about how they are raising their children.

And yet, I'm just a little annoyed right now because I've been coincidentally bombarded with the wrongheaded notion that Good, Hardworking, Attentive Parenting yields Perfect children with no emotional/cognitive/behavioral issues at all. I'm not even really annoyed with the opposite axiom, that Bad, Lazy, Neglectful Parents are the only thing that would lead to a child that is uncontrollable, spastic, and behind in his developmental skills. I get that upon first look, a young mom with the style sense of a grungy teenager kinda gives a certain impression when her 2 year old makes a dart down the salad dressing isle, knocking over every bottle in the process. You are just wrong, and I know, and so really I laugh it off inside.

What's irking me RIGHT NOW is that people often talk as if... there is not a possibility of a child still being in diapers at 4 or 5. That everybody gets to have a conversation with their preschooler. You hear comments such as "How dare you put a child on a leash- be the parent! Teach them to stay put!" like all kids quickly understand and obey such a command. People talk like it's... always... so easy...

Rar. I'm annoyed with myself, I think I just realized that deep down this is kinda a bit of a pity party on my part. Maybe I'm even being a little smug. It's really unfair, and yet worth it, so I try not to dwell. But it's crazy how until days like this, I don't even realize- already, there is this big difference. My life is completely different than the life of your average mommy with a 2 year old. Everything is hard. And I don't mean that to whine, I mean, little fucking things are HARD. You know. You show a kid how to use a utensil, you give em a spoon, a fork, you show em, with practice, hey they use utensils! I literally had to stand behind him with every meal, using hand over hand, walking him through every motion. Every single time he wants something, there is a good chance it will take me several minutes to figure out what it is. We go from class to class, to therapy to therapy, to specialist to specialist... I send emails to his teachers, make calls to the insurance companies... respite care/daycare/relatives watching him for even a little while makes me nervous, because Wylie is unpredictable and hard to contain... and through all this chaos, some days Wylie offers NO affection, no words... he does not call out to me, he does not know my name... Do not misunderstand me. He brings me so much joy. But it occurs to me that this would be a whole different ball game if things were a little easier/calmer/safer and every day I was able to engage emotionally with my baby. I'm being honest and vulnerable here when I say sometimes I'm at work and I miss him soooo much, and then I get home, and I walk into the room he's in, and he won't even look away from what he is doing at me, and it breaks my heart.

...uh. Wow. I don't know how I got here. I didn't even know that was in me. I just... was really irritated by blissfully ignorant people. Goodnight.